The Slim Fit-Infertility Conspiracy

I do not wear Jeans pants. They are heavy, sweaty and uncomfortable. Living at 13.0827 degrees north of the Equator I do not see a sensible reason why they should be worn unless you want to fry your thighs. Well, that does not mean I am comfortable with a dhoti either. Though dhotis are the most suitable attire for tropical-humid-skin-burning-head-aching-sweat-dripping Chennai climate, I am comfortable with pants. I still remember writer Sujatha narrating the comfort of pants in his book Katradhum Petradhum – they are versatile when compared to dhotis from climbing stairs to catching buses on the run.

Though you might contest the above statement that Chettans from Kerala comfortably do those stunts with their dhotis on, let me just say that I am not as talented as them. Further, adopting a new habit at the age of twenty-five seems very odd. Enough said, as a strong proponent of Tamil identity I diligently decided to purchase pants for this Pongal which is due in ten days. I encountered a strange problem which I have never experienced before when I entered the store last week in Coimbatore.

I am not a fan of trying on clothes tirelessly in the dressing room before you purchase them. I cannot stand purchasing clothes and I finish this job in five minutes. But that day I had to make a concession because I could not find ‘normal’ pants. I hope you understand the word normal. All the pants in the section had a tag which said ‘Slim Fit’. I had to try them on to make sure that the money I shell out is worth it because I knew that it would at least be two years before I start purchasing my next couple of pants.

The first feeling I received when I ‘fit’ myself in was that there was lack of ventilation. Normal pants are free and they don’t stick to your legs. But on the other hand, this new slim fit variety boasts of a straight waist, skinny legs, open-at-the-toes to squeeze the life out of you. After few more minutes of realizing that they don’t sell ‘normal’ pants in malls anywhere, I had to walk out the store with them.

Photo Courtesy: Marco Verch

Only later that I realized that this could be another conspiracy laid open by the nexus between textile and medical corporate companies. Slim fit pants are tight and they push one’s genitals closer towards the body. As most of us know, the optimum temperature of maturation of sperms is slightly lower than the body temperature. That is exactly why male’s morphology is such that sperms are borne outside the body and balls are not hosted inside.

With more slim-fit-close-to-the-body pant, the temperature significantly increases. I know the corporate nailed us by selling Jeans pants in maximum numbers. I do not have statistics, but I definitely know that Jeans pants and fertility clinics were not on the streets in 1998. Now you would find Jeans Retail shops and fertility clinics sharing spaces not just on main roads but every other road. Now, they are successfully colonizing the ‘not-jeans’ pant domain too!

Well, I did relax after coming to learn that by returning to normal pants one could regain temporarily lost virility. When I returned home, I told my mother that for the next couple of pants, I am not walking into readymade shops anymore and I am to ‘tailor’ them. She nodded. That is one of the billion things that I told her including clearing Civil Services Examination on my first attempt. She just nods when I say something nowadays.

Well, should I adopt dhotis? I don’t know, maybe not. But I am definitely not sticking with Slim-fit pants forever. I am ready to be a responsible citizen by promoting Make in India by buying clothes of Indian Brands as I did with this pant, but I am not ready to visit Indian fertility centers for promoting Indian industry.

P.S. Happy Dhoti Day 2018

(The writer lives in Anna Nagar, Chennai)

Photo Courtesy: (External Link)

Marco Verch